the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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