this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
