Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
