Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
