i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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