You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
