I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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