I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize