apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
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