I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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