I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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