Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
