He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
