I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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