I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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