Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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