sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
