I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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