I am puke
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
me + whiskey = a bad person
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize