so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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