Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
