At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he was CRYING into my vagina
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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