wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
