I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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