Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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