my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
