my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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