Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
