i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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