When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
