It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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