i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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