just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
