i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
