Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
