Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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