I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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