when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
