you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
