its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
