Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
