Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
