I got chris browned last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
