I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
