He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
