I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
