she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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