its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
