I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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