a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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