Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
