So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
