You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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