Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
