Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
