saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
