I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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