I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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