Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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