We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
