paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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