Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
