Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so let's talk penis.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
