the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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