I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
